The double cost of self-criticism
How do you talk to yourself?
The answer may change your life.
It did for me.
I’ve written before about how beneficial the Non-Violent Communication (NVC) framework has been in my career.
Today I’d like to share the most profound impact it had on my life - how I spoke to myself.
To recap, in NVC ‘violent’ language is described as anything judgmental.
It’s not just curse words or abusive language.
Words like “should” or “ought to” are also considered ‘violent’ in that they implicitly carry judgement which collapses human connection.
When you say “you shouldn’t have done that” or “I really must exercise more“ you’re stating that something is either “good” or “bad’, and you are judging against that standard.
When I first read NVC, in my mid-20s, I was still early in the process of recovering from some severe mental health issues. I noticed that I didn’t that often tend to use violent language, with one exception: myself.
I realised I frequently spoke to myself ‘violently’ - I was constantly telling myself that I ‘must’ do more, that I ‘should’ do this and not that, that I ‘ought’ to be more considerate or dedicated or conscientious.
It was exhausting. And what’s more, I was paying a double cost.
I wasn’t just expending energy being overbearing and judgemental towards myself - I was also on the receiving end of that criticism. I was both the persecutor and the victim.
It sucked. Metaphorically and energetically.
But I also realised what an opportunity there was.
If I could just ease up on the self-judgement - notice when I did it and give myself a break - I would be banking a huge amount of energy otherwise spent on negativity.
Reader - I did.
The moment I began to notice the double cost of that self-criticism, and slowly began to change it, I created a snowball effect of free previously trapped negative energy.
The more energy I spent on kindness to myself, the more energy I had to notice and choose differently when I noticed I was being judgemental, and so on and so forth in a compounding trend.
It wasn’t perfect, nor always consistent, and certainly it didn’t stop forever, but I can say with confidence that today I’m far kinder to myself that I was, with far more energy for myself and for the people and projects in my life I care about the most.
So I’ll ask again: how do you talk to yourself?